The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
