david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
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Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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