my phone needs a breathalizer
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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