i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
MIDGETS
????
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
