we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
