apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
