i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
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