This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
