Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
