I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
