my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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