I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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