I looked at my own cervix.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
