Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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