just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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