Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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