i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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