Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
