I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He has the fingertips of a God
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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