This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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