You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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