She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
