yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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