i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
