Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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