Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
