I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
