You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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