Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
