What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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