I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
