Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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