I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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