Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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