On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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