i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
