My liver just broke up with me...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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