Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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