omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
