you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
