dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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