is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We need a shit load of segways right now
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
