it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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