I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
