so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
