I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
