Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
