and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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