Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
