Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
