so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
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i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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