the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
