she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
