umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
