life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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