just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
