I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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