Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
