If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
