oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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