So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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