You're my little dorito
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
